Slow Your Roll Holden

I've got more beef with Holden than a cattle slaughterhouse.
I've got more beef with Holden than Arnold Schwarzenegger's biceps.
Remember the old lady from those Wendy's commercials who would say "Where's the beef?"
I will tell you where it is. Here. Now. Between me. And Holden. It's not what's for dinner, it's what's for this blog post.
But to the meat of the argument. I was initially pleased with the character of Holden in Susan Glaspell's The Inheritors, as I believe most readers were. He seems to be the only other character in the play besides Madeline and the ever-absent Fred who  thinks differently, progressively, and by our standards here in Futureland, more reasonably than the other nationalist characteristics. However, while Madeline and Fred sit on the hot seat of society being accused of anti-government sentiments and facing serious repercussions for their thoughts and actions (Fred already has), Holden seems to be sitting pretty in his well-respected and comfortable Professor's chair.
As we learn more about Holden and his past, he begins to seem more and more of a disappointment. He harbors those passionate, convicted ideals of a man who cares for all people and is frustrated with the direction his country is headed. But he comes across as very unenthusiastic in his actions, or rather non-actions, to communicate his disappointment. Unlike Madeline and Fred, he appears to be a very weak revolutionary (if we can call them that this early in what will someday become a revolution across the U.S. giving us our modern values.)
The guy only says what he thinks when asked. He's a chump. An enabler. Glaspell dangled a character of influence capable of assisting Madeline and Fred in front of her audience's faces and BOOM. Turns out he's as effective as Horace when it comes to moving America and Morton College towards a better, brighter, more inclusive future. Great. Thanks Sue.
There's some 100% grass fed, Kobe-quality beef.
The nail in the coffin was of course when I read the stage direction in the fourth act as Holden enters. He "looks older." He doesn't even like what he's become! He has sat in silence and stewed in his own fear for years practically working for the ideals he despises. Sure, the Senator wants him fired because he communicated some mild discomfort with the treatment of one of his students in prison, but I'd hardly say that's an active role in communicating his ideals.
And I mean his wife must be so.... Oh, right, his wife... That is a thing isn't it?...
I concede that one of the most important qualities of being an American is grappling your own responsibility before taking on that of the World. Holden recognizes his limitation, and while Madeline and Fred have the youthful spryness and openness of future to shout their beliefs to the heavens, he has people to take care of.
Holden's situation ultimately showed me more about Madeline and Fred than I had thought he would. Regardless of whose values are more reasonable, I think it makes sense to say that the youngsters  don't know their values. They can pick and choose as they develop their beliefs, but ultimately the part of their lives they are in prompts exploration and risk taking. There are no people other than your young self to get hurt, and you feel invincible.
Holden was undoubtedly the same, but he chose not to be the eternal-antagonist. There just were not opportunities for him to make a difference, and in time, he chose his own happiness and the health of those he loved over the possibility of seeing his ideals come to light.
We tend to think big until we turn inwards and see how small we are. That's what Holden showed me, and what he tries to show Madeline. She may be opening doors for society a crack, but in one moment she will close every other door for herself. Holden managed to give dignity to his smallness. He showed how sacrificing oneself for a belief is far more selfish than giving all that you can to the world and the ones you love before kicking the bucket.
Beef cooked, stewed, seasoned, eaten, and tastes like humble-pie.

7 Totally Great (And Totally Non-Sarcastic) Ways to be the Life of the Party!

Parties. A true American testament to class and sophistication, especially in colleges. With the combination of music, laughter, and general tomfoolery all hitting you at once, it can be difficult to know how to navigate the vibrant landscape you’ll find yourself in at any good old-fashioned get-together. So, I have compiled a list of some of the most effective ways of portraying an easy-going and confident personality at any shindig, from the alcohol-drenched pseudo-riots of Arizona State University to the okay-that-was-alright-but-its-10-so-I-should-be-heading-home parties of Augustana College. These techniques will definitely make any Average Joe a memorable personality at any party. Believe me, people will remember you if you do this stuff…. In a good way! And that’s not sarcastic! Enjoy.

1.) Show up egregiously early!

Most hosts will be extremely nervous as the countdown to party-time begins. It can be nerve-racking waiting for the guests and wondering if your party will be perfect. That's why it's good to arrive extra early to show your host how excited you are! You'll want to shoot for an hour to two hours before the official party start-time for optimum results. Also, make sure you don't help the host set up for the event in any way. You wouldn't want to insult their hosting skills! That would be rude! Remember, showing up on time is considerate, but showing up two hours early is what real friends do!

And never too early to be an enthusiastic party goer!

2.) Wait for conversations to approach you!

As the party gets going, you're already in your host's good graces after the two hours spent silently watching them prepare their house for the party. Now that the music is bumping and people have arrived, it's time to start socializing! You're going to want to begin by being proactive, so start up a conversation. Not with anyone at the party, of course, but rather with someone on your phone. I've found a grandparent or distant friend from middle-school work best. Grandparents are bad at texting and someone from deep in your past will be so confused as to why you're texting them that you can really drag out a conversation. Now you post up in a corner, make no eye contact with anyone, and moodily text your heart out!  Watch as people crawl over each other to talk to you because it is only logical that everyone would naturally have some sort of irrational investment in you and your text-message! Make sure to make periodic trips to the bathroom to fix your hair and/or makeup so as to look good when those people inevitably decide to approach you.

If I stare into the distance longingly enough, someone has to come talk to me... Right?

3.) DO NOT dance!

This really shouldn't even be an issue if you stick with our "text on the wall and glare at people" technique, but it can be tempting. The thrum of the music. The smiles. The laughter. The freedom. You'll feel like maybe it would be scary, yet totally liberating to just throw yourself out there on the dance floor and DANCE! Right?! Wrong. You'll look like a dork and people won't want to talk to you. Every inhibition you've ever had about dancing is correct and should be followed. That will show everyone your true self-esteem! If you really can't help yourself, settle for bouncing up and down slightly as you continue your invigorating text conversation with your grandfather about the medical benefits of prune juice.

Look how low this man's self-confidence is. It's sad.

4.) Drink like a fish!

Not all parties you go to will feature alcohol, but for the ones that do, nothing is more attractive than a person who can slam liquor as fast and in as large of quantities as is humanly drinkable! Awkward you may be, but nothing a gallon or two of the hard stuff can't fix! Be careful though, if you don't drink enough, people will assume you're a wimp, and remember, there is literally nothing more important in this universe than what other people think of you! So, it's usually safest to just start chugging whatever is in reach as fast as possible. Don't get discouraged if you vomit. It's just nerves, and the only way to overcome those is to keep drinking!

The face... Of a champion.

5.) Break a piece of furniture!

While usually following after the technique described in non-sarcastic-piece-of-advice 4, this brilliant people-pleaser can actually be done completely sober. In fact, party guests will like it even more when it is clear that you are within your wits when shamelessly smashing any (preferably expensive-looking) piece of furniture or decoration in the host's home! You might be thinking "but wait , wouldn't that make my host mad at ME?" Of course not! A show is a show, and it's pretty easy to assume that your host can find an armoire from 1887 at any goodwill. How hard can they be to find? They'll ultimately thank you for making their party more interesting with a Colosseum-like show of aggression and violence, and clearing some space in their living room for more rambunctious party shenanigans!

Look how fun and not awkward this is!

6.) Volunteer to be DJ!

After gaining some serious party-cred by remodeling the kitchen with your fists and drinking ALL of the alcohol, it is time to become directly involved in the most crucial ingredient for a good party: the music. Now, people will be apprehensive to let you near the speakers at first, but that one time you operated the Ipod at that party in high school is most certainly enough experience to successfully DJ any party! Make sure to be assertive. If the actual DJ (professional or not) proves an obstacle, just garble some incoherent drunk-person gibberish at him/her. That will disorient them long enough for you to grab the headphones and throw down some tunes! Be sure to include a five minute space of silence between each song so the dancers can rest, and classical music tends to be most popular for good dancing. Repeating songs between five and twelve times is also standard. People love that!

If you're doing things right, the dancing should look like this! Keep as many lights on as possible!

7.) Refuse to safely crash at your friend's place!

As the night winds down, it is time for you to head home. After your righteous crusade to create the most epic party of all time for your host, the least you can do is refuse any and all requests for you to safely crash at the party house instead of trying to stumble home. Do not let their logic fool you, it is all just a formality, and it would be rude for you to impose! So make as many attempts to blindly stumble/roll out of the door saying things like "Sober completely I am" or "I swear, drunk, I'm not Dave." Be careful not to let them take your car keys! There's no way of knowing where they'll end up, and besides that, how're you going to drive home without your keys? As long as you continue to try to leave in any way possible, you'll cause your host quite a bit less anxiety knowing that they don't have to worry about you. Heck, it's only twelve miles! What could go wrong?

Who put this house in the middle of the street? That architect must have been pretty drunk!

So, if you follow all of these simple and totally non-sarcastic pieces of advice, you will quickly become the most popular party-goer ever! People will consistently invite you because a good time is ensured, and totally not an awkward, alcohol-fueled rampage! Good luck out there partyers!

;)

Visuals from:
Reddit.com (crashed car)
Playbuzz.com (Pride and Prejudice dance pic)
Twitter.com (The Office ice cream pic)
Gettyimages.com (man leaning against wall)
Genius.com (Dancing guy)
Paperblog.fr (Man with hammer)
Nbcbayarea.com (Drunk guy pic)

It's a bird. It's a plane. No, it's an Argument.

OOOOOOKAY. Now that is an argument if I have ever seen one. Glaring and confrontational if you ask me. Who exactly does this coffee mug think it is? Let's find out.

You know what really trims my hedges? Gardeners. Also, the fact that The Brew, our lovely on-campus extension of the generation-owning, street-corner-monopolizing, bookstore-saving arm of capitalism Starbucks Coffee, is arguably not actually by the Slough. There, I said it. Is it irrational for this to bother me? I'd rather not think about that, so let's move on.

The whole concept does make a decent amount of sense. We're college students, and if you can wake up, go to class, get some decent grades and still have the pep to attack that homework before bedtime all without the aid of God's brown battery acid, more power to you. But for those of us who need/enjoy the stuff, there is some issue that can be taken with the java being identifiable with the Slough.

No doubt the argument is that coffee-drinkers, if given the choice, would buy coffee that could then be calmly sipped in solitude by a pleasant natural environment. Truly, there are few greater joys than grabbing a cup o' joe with a friend or colleague and taking a stroll down the slough path, taking in the plants, the animals, and the off-putting realization that the water is the same color as your mocha latte. The scenery has been known to really incite some interesting discussion and questions. Is there an afterlife? What is humanity's purpose? Did I just see a mutant fish with arms drag a raccoon into
the water? You know, questions we all ask ourselves when looking at the Slough.

The advertising mentality of the name does fall short in this respect. Like most arguments, it is prone to failure under certain conditions, namely the Slough's stagnant nature and in the dead of Winter when it is more frozen than Keanu Reeves' face. People will be more likely to buy coffee if they are baited with a comfortable, inspiring environment, but the Slough just isn't always that place. It is
utterly dependent on the situation.

That all being said, "A Coffee Shop" is not a particularly enticing name either. So all in all, I'm glad Augustana made the attempt to develop a suitable name no matter how effective it is.
Think about this the next time you catch a whiff of that coffee. Or the Slough for that matter.
End tirade. Thoughts, comments, musings, and expletives welcome. Cheers.