7 Totally Great (And Totally Non-Sarcastic) Ways to be the Life of the Party!

Parties. A true American testament to class and sophistication, especially in colleges. With the combination of music, laughter, and general tomfoolery all hitting you at once, it can be difficult to know how to navigate the vibrant landscape you’ll find yourself in at any good old-fashioned get-together. So, I have compiled a list of some of the most effective ways of portraying an easy-going and confident personality at any shindig, from the alcohol-drenched pseudo-riots of Arizona State University to the okay-that-was-alright-but-its-10-so-I-should-be-heading-home parties of Augustana College. These techniques will definitely make any Average Joe a memorable personality at any party. Believe me, people will remember you if you do this stuff…. In a good way! And that’s not sarcastic! Enjoy.

1.) Show up egregiously early!

Most hosts will be extremely nervous as the countdown to party-time begins. It can be nerve-racking waiting for the guests and wondering if your party will be perfect. That's why it's good to arrive extra early to show your host how excited you are! You'll want to shoot for an hour to two hours before the official party start-time for optimum results. Also, make sure you don't help the host set up for the event in any way. You wouldn't want to insult their hosting skills! That would be rude! Remember, showing up on time is considerate, but showing up two hours early is what real friends do!

And never too early to be an enthusiastic party goer!

2.) Wait for conversations to approach you!

As the party gets going, you're already in your host's good graces after the two hours spent silently watching them prepare their house for the party. Now that the music is bumping and people have arrived, it's time to start socializing! You're going to want to begin by being proactive, so start up a conversation. Not with anyone at the party, of course, but rather with someone on your phone. I've found a grandparent or distant friend from middle-school work best. Grandparents are bad at texting and someone from deep in your past will be so confused as to why you're texting them that you can really drag out a conversation. Now you post up in a corner, make no eye contact with anyone, and moodily text your heart out!  Watch as people crawl over each other to talk to you because it is only logical that everyone would naturally have some sort of irrational investment in you and your text-message! Make sure to make periodic trips to the bathroom to fix your hair and/or makeup so as to look good when those people inevitably decide to approach you.

If I stare into the distance longingly enough, someone has to come talk to me... Right?

3.) DO NOT dance!

This really shouldn't even be an issue if you stick with our "text on the wall and glare at people" technique, but it can be tempting. The thrum of the music. The smiles. The laughter. The freedom. You'll feel like maybe it would be scary, yet totally liberating to just throw yourself out there on the dance floor and DANCE! Right?! Wrong. You'll look like a dork and people won't want to talk to you. Every inhibition you've ever had about dancing is correct and should be followed. That will show everyone your true self-esteem! If you really can't help yourself, settle for bouncing up and down slightly as you continue your invigorating text conversation with your grandfather about the medical benefits of prune juice.

Look how low this man's self-confidence is. It's sad.

4.) Drink like a fish!

Not all parties you go to will feature alcohol, but for the ones that do, nothing is more attractive than a person who can slam liquor as fast and in as large of quantities as is humanly drinkable! Awkward you may be, but nothing a gallon or two of the hard stuff can't fix! Be careful though, if you don't drink enough, people will assume you're a wimp, and remember, there is literally nothing more important in this universe than what other people think of you! So, it's usually safest to just start chugging whatever is in reach as fast as possible. Don't get discouraged if you vomit. It's just nerves, and the only way to overcome those is to keep drinking!

The face... Of a champion.

5.) Break a piece of furniture!

While usually following after the technique described in non-sarcastic-piece-of-advice 4, this brilliant people-pleaser can actually be done completely sober. In fact, party guests will like it even more when it is clear that you are within your wits when shamelessly smashing any (preferably expensive-looking) piece of furniture or decoration in the host's home! You might be thinking "but wait , wouldn't that make my host mad at ME?" Of course not! A show is a show, and it's pretty easy to assume that your host can find an armoire from 1887 at any goodwill. How hard can they be to find? They'll ultimately thank you for making their party more interesting with a Colosseum-like show of aggression and violence, and clearing some space in their living room for more rambunctious party shenanigans!

Look how fun and not awkward this is!

6.) Volunteer to be DJ!

After gaining some serious party-cred by remodeling the kitchen with your fists and drinking ALL of the alcohol, it is time to become directly involved in the most crucial ingredient for a good party: the music. Now, people will be apprehensive to let you near the speakers at first, but that one time you operated the Ipod at that party in high school is most certainly enough experience to successfully DJ any party! Make sure to be assertive. If the actual DJ (professional or not) proves an obstacle, just garble some incoherent drunk-person gibberish at him/her. That will disorient them long enough for you to grab the headphones and throw down some tunes! Be sure to include a five minute space of silence between each song so the dancers can rest, and classical music tends to be most popular for good dancing. Repeating songs between five and twelve times is also standard. People love that!

If you're doing things right, the dancing should look like this! Keep as many lights on as possible!

7.) Refuse to safely crash at your friend's place!

As the night winds down, it is time for you to head home. After your righteous crusade to create the most epic party of all time for your host, the least you can do is refuse any and all requests for you to safely crash at the party house instead of trying to stumble home. Do not let their logic fool you, it is all just a formality, and it would be rude for you to impose! So make as many attempts to blindly stumble/roll out of the door saying things like "Sober completely I am" or "I swear, drunk, I'm not Dave." Be careful not to let them take your car keys! There's no way of knowing where they'll end up, and besides that, how're you going to drive home without your keys? As long as you continue to try to leave in any way possible, you'll cause your host quite a bit less anxiety knowing that they don't have to worry about you. Heck, it's only twelve miles! What could go wrong?

Who put this house in the middle of the street? That architect must have been pretty drunk!

So, if you follow all of these simple and totally non-sarcastic pieces of advice, you will quickly become the most popular party-goer ever! People will consistently invite you because a good time is ensured, and totally not an awkward, alcohol-fueled rampage! Good luck out there partyers!

;)

Visuals from:
Reddit.com (crashed car)
Playbuzz.com (Pride and Prejudice dance pic)
Twitter.com (The Office ice cream pic)
Gettyimages.com (man leaning against wall)
Genius.com (Dancing guy)
Paperblog.fr (Man with hammer)
Nbcbayarea.com (Drunk guy pic)